Soya
You bristle when people call it 'Soy'; that's the sauce, ya goofus! You were drinking alt milk back when it was still really weird and would get you kicked out of a community: you are probably the blood descendent of a witch. This year, look out for opportunities to bring the wild green magic of our ancestors back to the land to overthrow its wayward human caretakers, naught but a regrettable murmur in the planetary heartbeat.
Almond
You're resolved to be a better person this year. And unlike most, you will be, with all the weary righteousness of someone objecting to a hundred Legitimate Interest popups. If that sounds like good news to you, congratulations. You deserve it.
Oat
You like to follow the crowd from its thirtieth percentile. Zoom fatigue, am I right? This year, your main wish is for people in general to just settle down so you don’t spend so much time trying to work out what to believe. Try manifesting: a new consensus reality!
Coconut
You endure the persistent confusion between the dairy substitute and the cooking ingredient with the equanimity that can only come from a relaxed approach to life. This year you will get nothing done.
Hazelnut
By choosing milk made from a food that is already delicious, you have essentially cheated this process. The whole point of doing good things is that they're unpleasant. You probably volunteer in a soup kitchen "to connect with the community," and you actually believe in the Runner's High. Everyone else hates you. Yes, even the chocolate milk people. Watch your back.
Rice
You refuse to be pinned down by anything, especially not a silly horoscope. And yet, here you are, reading this. The heart is a smooth talker, but analytics don't lie. Expect a long dark night of the soul, and don't forget to clear your history afterwards.
Macadamia
Retuuurn of the Mack! Remember that? Mark Morrison! You used to love that song! An RnB song at heart, but it had this New Jack Swing sensibility - almost the last of its kind. This guy's been jilted by his lover, and he's like, I'm coming back atcha, but with song. The strength and pure production sass of my hurt feelings is enough reparations for how you lied to me. I won't name and shame you, but you will know that it's about you, and I'll know you know. Whatever happened to real music like that? It probably still exists, so the question is, whatever happened to YOU? You had this core of feeling - you ARE this core of feeling - and somewhere along the line this cynical shell just formed around you, much harder than the real you, inedible and almost impenetrable, but if cracked, suitable for use in making fertiliser, particle board, and industrial nano-powders.Â
Cashew
2022 will see a good friend turn traitor by persistently saying 'twenty-twenty-twoo' because they know it gets a rise out of you. The pressure will get unbearable by March, and there will be a reckoning. Tip: try using 'I' statements.
Hemp
This is it! THIS is the year you stop procrastinating and make your dreams come true. You've examined your values, you've made a beautiful vision board. Your gratitude journal is overflowing with positive affirmations. You're ready. Ready to go. To go get 'em. Show 'em how it's done. You're the best, you're unstoppable. You got this boxed up, ready to ship, special delivery! Okay... go! Are you still here? Typical.
Quinoa
Yes, the hemp drinkers are deluding themselves. But when you go travelling, you try to speak to the locals in their accent, and though you don't know it, this comes off as patronising. Sincerely, everyone.
Flax
1990 called, it wants its method of communication back! Oh, flax. You’ll meet a tall dark stranger or something.
Pea
PEA milk?? How do you MILK a pea? You get down on your knees there, sit on a little three-legged stool? You hold its tiny pea-udders in your fingers, you alternately pull gently on them so the milk comes out? Is THAT what you do, huh? What, you tell yourself you're basically doing the pea a favour, you're releasing some tension for it, that the pea is better off in your care? And it's popular down at the farmer's market, so you expand a bit, take on a few local kids so you can give 'em a future? Then one day, some oil-well-type guy from the supermarket comes, says he likes your peas, he's got big plans? And you’re sure about it, it's Grampy's land, but eventually you think it's for the best, and you let Oil Well Guy build this huge warehouse like an aircraft hangar, and two summers later it's just all peas packed in there, up to the roof, crying in pain, you hear it at night, daddy what's happening, what are all these lamps, where is the sun? Is that what you do? You disgust us.